Opalescence

It’s that time of the year, where I take a look at my life and see where I am and where I want to go.  Typically I write some kind of New Year’s resolutions post, but I’ve determined it’s pretty pointless right now: I make these resolutions, and typically forget about them, even if I manage to accomplish them.

Instead, I’m going to do a quick review of my 2008 resolutions and how I fared with them.

• 183,000: Failed.  Miserably.  It’s not to say that I didn’t write plenty (cuz I did), but I didn’t keep track, and if I had, I’m sure I’d only be depressed at how woefully short I’d still fallen.  If I can find a way to streamline the process, I might approach this again, but in the mean time, I’m more interested in quality than quantity.
• Physical activity: Failed, but nobly so.  I started and stopped with several exercise routines, for reasons outside my control, and was loathe to restart them after the disruption.
• Out-and-about-ness: Marginally fulfilled.  I keep trying new restaurants and some nightlife about town, but haven’t really taken in many of the unique landmark locations here.
• Graphic Novel: Finished the script in March.  Revised and edited it most of this year, all while working on the next part.  Talking to artists about getting character sketches done.  This project is GONNA happen.

Overall… meh.  Maybe by not writing down my resolutions this year for all to see, I’ll do better, percentage-wise.

Over the course of the year, I moved into an apartment with my mother and two sisters to help them out; switched locations within the library system; fought with my car to keep it in shape and feasible; had a short-lived relationship with a single mother; experienced my first hurricane; and  gave my eldest sister away at her wedding.  It’s been a whirlwind, and given me some food for thought.

Confidence has definitely not been in abundant supply this year.  Part of it is that I’m currently single with no prospects, and part of it is that most of the discoveries I made about myself this year weren’t very flattering.

• I’m someone who has a hard time with interruptions.  I get into a routine, and once I’m used to it, I’ll rarely brook interruptions.  The ones that get through usually knock me on my ass, sometimes to the extent that the routine is killed.  Re-starting something after having to put it aside has always been difficult for me; it just really hit me this year that that’s something I should perhaps work on.
• I wonder if I’m really as giving/patient/mature as I often like to think I am.  Remember Frasier, and how an otherwise intelligent, articulate gentleman would sometimes be exposed by his own inflexibility as an immature and fussy brat?  I had more than one experience this year that made me wonder if perhaps, at times, that doesn’t apply to me as well.
• Sometimes I wonder if I’m backpedaling, socially.  When I was in high school, my mom and my oldest sister once told me that they worried about me, that I took things too personally and at times didn’t relate well to others (and in hindsight, they were probably right).  Then I joined a fraternity in college, which was probably one of the best things I’d ever done for myself.  Having to put up with other people’s crap in a communal setting like a fraternity house was really good for my interpersonal development.  Now, I don’t feel like I have that many friends outside of work, and don’t really have the kind of social support network that I had in the Midwest.  I worry sometimes that I’m becoming a hermit again, and that I’m perhaps too eager to get home to my computer, my cats, and my video games after work.
• I’m aware of the changes going on in my friends’ and families’ lives, and sometimes wonder if my own life is getting stagnant.  And while I’m sure the social backpedaling is a factor, there are other reasons.  Lots of my friends are now parents; I’ve been terrified of having kids for many reasons (some are listed above, but also financial considerations weigh heavily too).  Most are married; I’m single because I really don’t believe I’ve found the right woman.  It’s not that I necessarily that I want either of those things–heck, I’m pretty comfortable with the possibility of never having kids–but it makes me wonder, am I doing enough to really live my life to the fullest?  Sometimes I’m not so sure…

With all that said, I’m still as unbowed, strong-willed, and grateful for my life as ever.  I’m moving into my own place soon, and taking stock of what to do with my career, my personal life, and my dreams.  I won’t state my resolutions for this year, except to generalize that they involve the themes of good health, passionate pursuits, and friendship.  I imagine much of what I’ve written here might point you in the direction of some of them.

Wish me luck, and to all of my friends, a truly Happy New Year to all of you.  May 2009 bring you health and happiness.